1. Every party you attend is BYOW.
No, I will not settle for Corona Extra. I don’t care if it is Cinco de Mayo. When you’re a red wine enthusiast there is no such thing as arriving to a party empty handed. You can say it’s a “gift for the host”, but we all know you brought your own provisions.
2.Your house is stocked with hydrogen peroxide, club soda, and OxiClean at all times.
Wine spills are no match for you. You have prepared your whole life for this. Half a glass of Pinot down the front of a white cashmere sweater? “Bring it” you whisper, gently shaking a container of sea salt.
3. You’ve considered forking over the funds to become a Sommelier.
Until you realize that you would never pay that much money only to be forced to drink white wine at some point. No thanks, I’d rather shove hundred dollar bills into my garbage disposal.
4. The wine glass emoji never leaves your recently used tab.
And why would it? It is a convenient short hand option to communicate all your deepest dreams, hopes, desires, and intentions…you really don’t even need other emojis.
5. Wine Mouth is your biggest adversary.
You have perfected the pursed lip smile for photos and you never leave the house without those disposable toothbrush things. Purple teeth don’t look good on anyone but this is just what you have to deal with now. The real hardcore devotees probably have a pack or two of Wine Wipes laying around.
6. And on that note, red lipstick is now your signature color.
If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.
7. You own more decanters than actual kitchen appliances.
A can opener isn’t going to aerate this bottle so why would you need it? That’s just taking up space in your drawers for more useful things. Like preserver pumps and those little glass markers you have for when friends come to your place. There’s only so much space and red wine drinking requires a lot of accessories, you know?
8. You also have a cabinet devoted to novelty wine glasses.
Because all of your friends and family members are too intimidated by tannins and appellations to just buy you a bottle for birthdays and holidays, they settle for what they think is the next best thing……
9. There is no insult in the world greater than being confused for a “White Wine Drinker”.
You can handle being called every name under the sun, comments about your appearance or personality probably make you laugh, you have the unwavering self confidence of Beyonce until….someone has the audacity to offer you a glass of “buttery Chardonnay.”
10. You daydream of vacationing in Napa Valley, Tuscany, and Argentina.
You probably have your Google map of interest points open on a separate tab as we speak. Others may dream of blissful beaches and exotic resorts, but your idea of paradise is a dimly lit cellar with barrels of vino encircling you. If heaven is real, it looks a lot like a cheese plate and empty tasting glasses with an endless vineyard in the background.
11. Restaurants are no longer judged by the quality of their food.
If they’re offering a sexy wine list, then it doesn’t matter if they serve prime ribeye or corndogs. We came to drink, people. Wine first and the rest of life is second.
12. You’re low-key annoyed by “red-wine cocktails”
I mean, you wouldn’t kick a pitcher of sangria out of bed…but why do people have to muddle with the elixir of the gods? Get your spritzers and chunks of fruit out of here, the wine was just perfect already thank you. If you ever come near me with a can of Sprite again, expect retaliation.
13. The seasons may change, but your love of Malbec does not.
Anyone who says they have to switch to white wines in the Summer are quitters. Yes, there is such a thing as chilled red wine but just…no. There is no excuse for cold wine. There stopped being an excuse for drinking wine coolers after high school.
14. You’ve had the EdgeStar 166 Bottle Wine Cooler on your Christmas List every year for the last several years.
You’d think that by now your family would have made a coordinated effort to pool together funds for this thing by now but NO. I guess keeping wine at the exact appropriate temperature isn’t as important to some people.
15. You are filled to the freaking BRIM with antioxidants.
Or at least that’s what you tell people who look down their nose on your chosen hobby. Or you whip out that old “Jesus drank wine” line on them. Whatever, us red winers shouldn’t have to explain ourselves to anyone.
16. You stand a little taller, speak a little wiser, and assume a more badass persona with a full glass in hand.
You’ll never see Cersei Lannister with a chilled glass of Pinot Grigio for a reason. Partially because King’s Landing is without the invention of refrigeration for, let’s assume, a couple more years. But also because red wine is just so much sexier and powerful looking, and by that logic, so are you.
17. Stained PJs are just a part of who you are by now.
Constantly drinking red wine doesn’t guarantee you get better at it, you’re bound to accidentally let a stain set in from time to time. Surrender to a life of black pajamas or stop drinking wine in bed or on the couch…YEAH RIGHT.
18. There isn’t a single situation that red wine doesn’t aide in.
Car got towed? Let’s get you a cab. Cabernet Sauvignon of course. Your boyfriend is on Tinder? After we slash his tires it’s time to drink about it. If ever you or a friend is having a bad day, you’ve got the foil off the bottle before the explanation of events has even begun. On the other hand, wine makes a lot of good days even better. Let’s be real.
19. You’re never without a wine key.
Because it only takes one frantic Google search and subsequent meltdown of being without a corkscrew to scare you straight about ever leaving the house without a way to open your wine ever again.
20. You’re a lush and proud of it.
You didn’t choose the red wine life, it chose you. What more can we say?