Relationship Status: committed.
1. You’ve planned an entire vacation in Kentucky, and not even in an ironic way.
The birthplace of Bourbon, duh!! Whiskey has such a diverse background and true lovers of the spirit are nondiscriminatory, single malt to Canadian blends to bourbon and every barrel aged variety in between, we love it all. But there is nothing more true blue ‘Merica than a good ol’ Kentucky bourbon, and you’re duty bound as a whiskey lover to pay homage in the Stateside homeland of the best spirit there ever was. Bring on the distilleries, y’all.
2. You’ve been fitted for a suit even if you haven’t forked over the money to buy it.
As a whiskey drinker, you know that this is much more a lifestyle than a simple alcoholic beverage preference. You have an image and persona to uphold. That means you no longer frequent rowdy house parties and you’d never be caught shotgunning a Keystone in someone’s driveway. No way, you’re a purveyor of the finer things in life now and this requires a certain attention to aesthetic. A three piece suit and cigar collection to accompany your cabinet of single malts will set you back a pretty penny, but you’re definitely working on it.
3. You drink everything out of crystal low ball glasses.
While you might not be able to reference the scientific study that proves that whiskey from a fancy short glass makes it taste exponentially better, you’re pretty dang sure it exists. You have an advantage over all other drinkers in regard to glassware because you really only need the one. It’s not like you have to have 5 different glasses to properly consume beer or anything.
4. You’re either a Swanson or a Draper.
But really, you’re both. A real whiskey consumer will either take it straight or classed up a little in the form of an old fashion or Manhattan. Ron Swanson takes it full on like a man, neat and single malt. But no one can argue that Don Draper could make even a Maraschino cherry look like the pinnacle of masculinity. And if you’re a lady whiskey drinker, you still gladly accept either comparison. It’s 2016 after all, and it’s not like there are many leading ladies of TV and film slamming back bottle of scotch…yet.
5. You feel uncomfortable in the presence of lesser spirits.
We’re looking at you CLEAR LIQUORS. Seriously though, what do any of you get from vodka or gin? Tequila is barely palpable with a lime wedge and copious amounts of Kosher salt. If you have to dump other liquids into your booze in order to enjoy it, what does that say about the character of the libation? Whiskey served by itself at room temperature is already complete, any flavoring, bitters, or mixture you add later is simple flair.
6. Your love of the Irish runs deep.
You’ve never had to wonder who to the people are dressing up as leprechauns for St. Patty’s Day and terrorizing local bars are because your 1/16th Irish heritage validates not only your participation in the ubiquitous drinking holiday, but most importantly the love of the liquor of your people. One day you’ll hop across the pond, wear a knitted sweater, eat corned beef, and toast your vague linage correctly but until then….a round of Irish Car bombs for everyone!!!
7. You can actually hold your liquor.
Let’s take a moment to pause from the snark and acknowledge that being a serious whiskey drinker takes dedication and fortitude. Most people couldn’t carry whiskey drunk in a bucket with both hands, if this is a skill you have mastered then more power to you. Seriously. If you can stomach several whiskeys and not call your ex looking for a fight at 3AM, well you’re a better person than most of us. Bless.
8. You’re as mature as your spirit of choice.
Or at least you would really like to think so. No one starts off drinking Macallen 30 neat, there are usually a few steps between drinking a Beam and Coke at a high school party to that point. Whiskey is a more acquired taste than most spirits and you’re no rookie. Jim, Jack, and James have probably been your friend through some rough patches in your life and you’ve come out on the other side. Now you turn to whiskey to toast reasons that vary from a big job promotion to a Thursday night cocktail with coworkers, you’ve come a long way.
9. You can do it on the rocks, if you know what we mean.
One of the best characteristics of whiskey drinkers is that they’re not picky; flexible and free spirited. Whiskey is whiskey, damn it! A single malt fanatic isn’t going to kick a rye out of bed. You might have a cellar filled with Lagavulin but you’re not above a shot of Bulleit. As long as it pours golden amber brown from the bottle, you’re as happy as can be. Shoot it, sip it, ice it, or mix it; you just like whiskey and you’re not sorry.
10. You’re an absolute bad ass.
There is something inherently baller about someone who just craves the burn that only whiskey can provide. Sure, all alcohol goes down against the grain; but no one is imagining rockstars taking long pulls from a bottle of Malibu. Whiskey is it’s own phenomenon and being a genuine lover of it earns you some serious respect from your fellow drinkers. Cheers to you, whiskey lovers. May we all once day ascend to your level.
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