You didn’t choose this life, it chose you.
1. You owe your literal existence to Jimmy Carter.
The Patron Saint of Beer Brewing, Carter repealed a prohibition-era law in 1978 that outlawed the practice of home brewing. Thanks to our former President, we now enjoy a multitude of craft brews. Cheers, Mr. President!
2. You can’t sit next to a Coors Light drinker.
For fear of being guilty by association, it is always best to avoid being seen next to someone gripping a bottle with blue mountains. I mean, they’re probably good people but I’m not taking the risk.
3. You chuckle when someone asks you what your favorite “type” of beer is.
Because any beer aficionado knows there are only two types of beer. ((Lager and Ale if you ended up here by accident.)) Did you maybe mean to ask my favorite style of beer?? That’s still a silly question as well. Beer drinkers know the answer depends on the day, your mood, your surroundings, the direction the wind is blowing, and what song you last listened to. It’s not like we’re red wine drinkers or anything.
4. Yeast is either your best friend or biggest adversary.
This mainly pertains to all the home brewers, which you wouldn’t really be a proper beer devotee if you hadn’t completely destroyed your kitchen, bathroom, or roommate’s bedroom at least once attempting to home brew the next Pliny the Elder. Any homebrewer will tell you that yeast is where the delicate balance of brewing tips either in your favor or….
5. The struggle of getting too full before getting drunk.
When your brain is like “you definitely have to try that nitro cream ale, like we literally cannot leave here without tasting it” but your body is over here like “are you trying to die today?”
6. Drinking games and the people who play them ought to be ashamed of themselves.
Beer waste is unacceptable. Pounding down a perfectly crafted Gose? Absolutely not. These are meant to be savored and appreciated. The only people slamming beers probably have cups full of Coors…and we’ve already established that we would not be caught dead in the company of such people. ((Ok, we admit that beer pong is a little fun sometimes. Fine.))
7. Your first order of business when planning what to do on vacation is locating all the breweries.
How are we to adequately assess a culture without drinking their drink? I came to immerse myself here, ok? Call me the Anthony Bourdain of micro breweries. I’m not walking away any wiser about Billings, Montana until I’m three sheets to the wind at Angry Hank’s so that’s where you’ll find me. They have Uber in Billings, right?
8. Your second most used app is Untappd.
Beer drinkers gave up on Facebook years ago. All your true friends are on Untappd. Because if you truly enjoy a fine APA and didn’t post a full review somewhere online, did it even really happen?
The first? Saucey. C’mon now.
9. You have at least 12 different home brew kits on your Amazon Wish List.
Or you took a break from this article to quickly do some online shopping because you realized you weren’t as devoted to craft beer as you previously thought. Be sure to read all instructions thoroughly and treat Yeast like the temperamental princess she is or else….
10. You have a separate cabinet for your glassware.
Because proper glassware matters, dammit! Saisons and stouts do NOT go in the same glass and anyone who doesn’t understand why clearly doesn’t understand you. Pouring a Belgian ale into a pint glass is an act of war. Don’t even get us started on how to properly pour the beer into its proper glass. You either know or you don’t.
11. This phenomenon is the most magnificent thing you’ve ever witnessed with your human eyes and proof that there is a God.
*You get a free pass to drink Bud Light in this one instance. HOW DO THEY DO THAT?
12. You will travel far and wide for a special release.
You save your sick days for the possibility of having to drive a few hours for a limited run of a crafty offering that you have only heard the legend of. There is no distance too far for the glory of a special beer and the bragging rights of getting to say you actually had it, or you’re saving it for a special occasion in a light-tight closet somewhere in your house. Everyone on Untappd is gonna be SO JEALOUS.
13. You snicker your way through all brewery tours.
14. You’re padded with an extra 10lbs at all times.
Yeah yeah yeah we know. Beer makes you fat. Or rather maybe a little fluffier than you would be if you didn’t have such a love of Imperial Stouts. But a life without beer? That is hardly a life at all.
15. You speak a language foreign to most.
“Bomber”, “growler”, “gravity”, “session”, and “nitro” have a very different meaning to you than to the general population. You’ve maybe asked the ABV of mouthwash a time or two. Or perhaps you’ve used “dry hopped” or “grassy” as compliments that no one understands. It’s ok man, we understand you. Prost!