Saucey did not ask me to write this article. The following is an actual string of events that transpired as a result of being way too drunk at home before 10pm.
This has been a bad day. No, I didn’t lose a limb and my house was not once on fire. Rather this was a day of existential dilemmas with the added drama of being decidedly single but still pretty lonely as a result. You know, nothing goes your way and you have no one to talk to about it besides your mom and your best friend who are both tired of your shit. I get home from work, score a surprisingly good street parking spot despite the day’s events, and settle in to forget about anything and everything. I need alcohol, but there’s no way I’m leaving now. Did you miss the part about my ideal street parking spot? Saucey to the rescue.
The first Saucey order is laborious, but it is my own fault. I would like to pretend I know a thing or two about wine but in reality I couldn’t tell you in concise terms what a tannin is or isn’t. I barely know what I like as far as varietals are concerned. Being a sucker for visual marketing, I settle for a label design that speaks to me in this moment: Apothic Dark Red Blend. “DARK” is scrawled across the center of the bottle and the next thing I knew two bottles were at my door step. The label looks like a possible Ed Hardy t-shirt reject, the corks is black, and the wine spills into my decanter a bright purple color. I am both weirded out and intrigued. The back label invites me to “taste the unknown”.
I divulge my day to a few friends over text, blare some Spotify playlists, and try my best to get myself into a better mindset. Before the sun even sets, I am staring at an empty decanter. I’ve already eaten about seven of my roommates Oreos and I have no desire to open the second bottle. The first bottle was delicious, don’t get me wrong…but I am about half hungry and not nearly drunk enough. I start to dig around in the pantry only to discover a can of Coco Lopez. Followed by a can of pineapple juice. Oh my, I have a lime too. The only thing that is missing is rum.
With a few clicks, the same sweet Saucey gentlemen who brought me two bottles of wine earlier is now on my doorstep again. I thank him graciously while slightly embarrassed wondering how he got here so quickly, and before I know it there are 4 healthy servings of pina coladas in front of me. I start to flip around for something to watch on my Roku. I’ve already rewatched Game of Thrones twice, there are no new episodes of Bob’s Burgers, for some reason no one loves me enough to have Honey Boo Boo on a constant stream. I am at a loss here. I see The Bachelorette glaring at me.
I’ve never seen a single episode of this show. I think I sort of understand the concept. All I really know is that every girl I went to highschool with floods my Facebook feed each week with their brackets and predictions and OMG moments. Other than that I am at a loss. But after a bottle of wine and a fresh pitcher of pina coladas in front of me, I’m feeling brave enough to give it a try. Here is the chain of event as they occurred, I made sure to take notes.
The following is my account, wine and rum mixed as it might be, of my first episode of The Bachelorette ever.
All I knew about this show going into it was that getting a rose matters and that the girl who was chosen as The Bachelorette likely has never eaten a twice baked potato in her entire life.
50 Thoughts I Had During My First Ever Episode of The Bachelorette:
1. Oh god her name is JoJo?!
2. Who is Ben? Who broke JoJo’s heart? Am I supposed to hate Lauren?
3. Alright so Chad is a douche.
4. Are they in Morocco? Where is this place? The decor looks intentionally Moroccan.
5. Oh, just a casual car bomb. They obviously have an awesome production budget.
6. Ok I am barely 3 minutes in and I know for sure that Chad sucks.
7. If I was brave enough to live tweet this I would have used #TeamAnyoneButChad
8. I forgot I had a pina colada until right now
9. Ok…where are they getting all this firefighting equipment? I’m pretty sure the firefighters of Morocco have more to do than this
10. I’m dying over these job titles they’ve given these guys. “Radio DJ” to “Bachelor Superfan” ((i.e. auditioning actor in LA))
11. There is now a shirtless acoustic guitar circle post fake firefighter drill. They are making up songs about this girl half naked with each other. Something tells me that this is not abnormal for The Bachelorette.
12. I’m disappointed this isn’t in Morocco and actually in LA, but not nearly as disappointed as this actual firefighter that got WHOOPED by some other dude at his own game. Wait, did the firefighter win? I’m so confused.
13. Oh she is making out with the sad guy now.
14. JoJo looks sort of like Isla Fischer, right?
15. JoJo is more impressed by Carl the dog than Wells the Radio DJ.
16. Ok bored by this leather jacket guy….and now they’re making out.
17. “You can decide a lot about someone based on the choices they make” – JoJo the Bachelorette. Genius.
18. OH WHAT THE HELL THEY GET PRIVATE JETS TOO?!
19. I feel like they give these guys a lot of shots before filming their talking head segments.
20. Making out again with a new guy but now in San Francisco. Good for you, JoJo.
21. Another JoJo inspired guitar circle, starting to feel some cultish vibes. Are they spiking the water supply in their fake Moroccan compound?
22. Who has ever broken up with JoJo, seriously? She hasn’t eaten a carb in 12 years.
23. Oh Ben, that’s right. That jerk. (???)
24. How weird would it be to watch your ex on the Bachelor? Derek is out here talking about getting cheated on and like is that girl watching? I wish I knew her Twitter handle.
25. I zoned out for a while and now we’re at ESPN studios. I’m drinking my pina colada more rapidly now.
26. BACHELOR NATION. POWER RANKING. FORMER QUARTERBACK. SPORTS. ESPN. DO THE MEN WATCHING CARE ABOUT THIS YET?
27. Pretty sure one contestant just gave a proposal that was word for word a Khal Drogo speech.
28. NAGGY?!? Oh hell no Chad. No you Didn’t. Get him out of here.
29. “You all don’t know her, you can’t be in love with her” – Chad says what I feel about the whole show and that’s a problem for me. Jojo got something out of it though.
**I paused here to refill my pina colada wine glass. Yes, I am re-using the same stemless wine glass for all my drinks tonight.**
30. “A smile is the only thing on the outside that you can see from the inside” – James the Kind Hearted Suitor
31. James is making JoJo cry right now and my eyes are rolling into outer space
32. They’re making out now.
33. “I think Chad is overcompensating for something” – JoJo finally says something logical
34. Chad and JoJo are making out now.
35. Ok James is a sweetheart and I love him. YOU GET THAT ROSE, BABY.
36. Who is supplying JoJo’s entirely sequined wardrobe? I would like to hope that Vanna White’s styling team is still booking new jobs.
37. Ok the short one just made a “Winter is coming” Game of Thrones joke. I am officially team Short One.
38. Chad is dropping lunch meat all over the rug so we might have more in common than I previously thought.
39. NO OK WHAT IS THIS. They are wrapping their own house?! Throwing toilet paper on their own shrubbery!!! What is the context here?! None of them are sophomores in high school, I am almost positive. Shout out to the Production Assistants that have to clean that up.
40. I just coughed on my pina colada laughing at Chad’s West Side Story joke. Not proud about it.
41. Alright so this one guy’s job titled is labeled “Erectile Dysfunction Specialist.” I need his Twitter handle, I have many questions.
**Paused again to fill up my wine glass with the last of the pina colada in the freezer and grab some more Oreos before the Rose Ceremony. Please note that I have now finished the entire pitcher of pina coladas by myself. I owe my roommate more Oreos.**
42. This music is seriously anxiety inducing, shout out to the composers for keeping up the tension.
43. Hell yeah Short One gets a rose!!!!!
44. Everyone is tripping over Chad potentially getting a rose. The music still feels like they’re all riding into battle. Does the Rose Ceremony end in battle?
45. Ugh whatever, JoJo. I know the producers made you give Chad a rose but it still sucks that you did that to us.
47. Chad has the face of a serial killer. Or a video game boss. Or a cartoon bully. Or a Parking Attendant.
48. Whatever, I am officially team Short One. Short One likes Game of Thrones so I like Short One.
Oh, JoJo. I so hope you find love. You deserve it you sparkly little Moroccan bird. I can’t promise this will be the last time I watch you try your best at finding a soulmate, the same way I can’t promise that this will be the last time I drink a bottle of wine and 6 shots worth of rum in a pitcher of pina coladas in one night. Best to you sister, if it doesn’t work out there is always a spot on my couch and an alcohol delivery service that makes life a little funnier than normal, so you’ve got options.